Ending a relationship (ZT)
Ending a relationship (ZT)
(from 21stcentury.chinadaily.com.cn)
AFTER a relationship has ended, how many times have you found yourself wondering why either of you stayed together so long?
Thanks to being able to look back on the situation, it soon becomes obvious that the relationship had gone way past its time. How much better it would be to recognize the first signs of a relationship's end, to be able to mutually acknowledge that your time together is finished?
That would be the perfect solution: logical, civilized and mature. So why is it that so many of us tend to hold on for so long?
"All the messages we hear about sticking together through thick and thin are really powerful for a lot of people," says counsellor Christine Northam.
We are constantly told that no relationship is going to be perfect, suggesting that staying together through bad times is an expected part of fighting the good fight.
That is a useful argument when encouraging couples not to fall apart at the first problem. But, on the other hand, it can urge couples to stay for longer than is healthy.
Most of all, says Northam, relationships that slowly move towards an inevitable breakdown tend to do so when couples stop communicating.
But it is worth bearing in mind that the main focus of any emotional communication should primarily be to ourselves: Acknowledging dissatisfaction or unhappiness is the first real step to doing something about it.
Something so simple as drawing up a list — distinguishing between the relationship's good and bad points — can help uncover your true feelings.
If your unhappiness outweighs any benefits, it is better to face the breakup sooner rather than remain emotionally floating along for an extended period, denying what is happening.
After all, one partner will likely see that continuing the relationship is a sign that things will improve.
One of the great problems is that both partners are unlikely to have reached the same point at the same time. The ups and downs between the desire to escape, and the guilt of wanting it all to be over, can lead to hesitation.
Eventually, a person who remains within an unhappy partnership will look for ways to leave. That could be alone by provoking arguments, or by shifting the focus of unhappiness elsewhere.
An affair, says Northam, "is a great way of getting out of a relationship." This is the point of change. It is the stage at which a couple's problems move away from what they are really about into an area of hurt and betrayal where any chance of repair is lost.
A couple that stays together until long after the love is gone loses not only the love but any bit of respect for each other. It is better then to acknowledge your problems early so that you can both either choose to deal with them, or walk away.
It may be unrealistic to assume that knowing the relationship is unworkable will mean you can shake hands politely and separate in a civilized manner. But, there is a certain dignity in recognizing when it is time to call it quits.
